How I Became Confident

While I love that people appreciate me showing up in all my glory on the internet, there’s always a few comments that squeak through that, to be honest, drive me bananas - but in an understandable, compassionate way. You see, I have spent the better part of 5 years talking non-stop about the things I read, the people I follow, the actions I take, the thoughts I correct, and the methods by which I have been able to become the person I am today. YET. I still get asked: “How are you so confident?” or told “I wish I had your confidence.” and every time I respond the same way: “You can, here are 3 things to get started: X, Y, Z” and then fast forward to another half nudie picture of me, and they comment again: “Awww, I wish I had your confidence.” Before we go further, I need you to understand that I DO have compassion, I really do. I understand how hard it is to wrestle with your thoughts and I understand that on top of all the other shit we have to do in our lives, finding our confidence is just something else - and it isn’t easy. It requires effort, it requires digging into gross, messy pasts. It requires ready books instead of watching Netflix and cutting toxic people out of your life. And worse yet - THERE IS NO DESTINATION!!!!!!!!

However, while I DO have compassion, I also am a woman of solutions and action. I have a rule of 3s for people who complain, sometimes a rule of 2 if you are really close to me: If you aren’t taking action on whatever you are complaining about after the 3rd time (either accepting it or changing it) then I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I am no longer the person to vent to. The hardest thing for a solution oriented person, is to offer up advice, solutions, and ideas only to have people throw them in the trash. And while I know that everyone comes around to information and education on their own time and in their own way, please understand that if I am responding back to you with advice, I am expecting you to follow through - even just a wee bit, before complaining to me about it again. Okay, now I don’t want this post to get high jacked with me complaining and instead, I AM GOING TO TAKE ACTION!! (See how I did that?) I am going to go through a few things that I do consistently in my life to work towards a more body positive/body neutral reality for myself.

I consistently re-center myself

You know how when you have your maps on your phone going and you are driving along and you zip ahead on the map to see where you are going to be, but you now can’t see where you are so you have to re-center it to know just how far it is, what you need to do, how many turns you need to take etc.? Well, that’s one thing I do with my life. I constantly check in with myself on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. I will re-center myself and take stock of where I am. I constantly acknowledge my mindset, my mood, my attitude, my physical health, my behavior, my tolerance to people/things around me, etc. to see when things feel “good” and when things feel “off”. This allows me to know what good and bad feels like in my body and thus strengthens my intuition. By checking in with myself, I can feel in my body what I need to do more or less of: take a nap, get off the internet, avoid people, go to people, stay up late, get up early, drink water, stretch my hips, etc. Previously my mental energy was consumed with calorie counting and body measurements, now that mental energy is used to constantly monitor how I am doing overall as a human. This constant connection between my brain and my body allows me to see how they work in tandem with each other and understand that both are always looking out for me. Checking in with myself also allows me to see if I am falling back into old behaviors: whining about whether or not I should take the risk (I complained about this one waaaay more than 3 times hahah!), listening for old belief systems to crawl up and whisper in my ear (waiting for me to have a moment of weakness), etc. which then allows me to decide whether or not these behaviors are helping or hindering me from becoming the best version of myself.

I consistently read

I have mentioned this before, but education is one of the most important tools I have used in improving my view of myself, the world, and the mind. I am consistently reading books (sometimes multiples at a time) in order to keep my brain growing, learning, and embracing. The more you know, the more you realize what you don’t know and while it can be overwhelming for me it is exciting. Reading and understanding concepts and ideas is paramount to my confidence. I am confident in the decisions I make because I have well rounded perspectives on MOST of them - I have either read about someone who has done it, experienced it, wrote about it, or lived it. I read polarizing opinions on the same subject (usually a few on either side) so I can decide FOR MYSELF what is right for me. Have you ever tried to debate with someone who maybe wasn’t so educated on their topic, but was really passionate? Usually they end of frustrated and crying or raging out with insults because they KNOW they are right, but they cannot articulate way. Understanding WHY I feel the way about certain things gives me the ability to stand up when it is difficult and be firm in my conviction, but this understanding of knowing that there is so much that I don’t know allows me to simultaneously be okay with releasing my convictions when I learn new information. Education will always lead to empowerment and a better understanding of the world around us and ourselves - why do you think the government does a shitty job of ACTUALLY educating people?

I consistently play to my strengths and I manage my weaknesses

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been really good at the following things: leading people, talking loudly - oh, I mean communicating, identifying options and being creative. It didn’t matter what task, job, hobby, game, or sport I participated in - these strengths were always there. Similarly, my weaknesses were not far behind: my lack of spatial awareness, lack of responsibility, inability to analyze and think before acting, and getting people to like me. I was very fortunate to grow up with parents who taught us to be whatever we wanted and were encouraged to live in our “strengths zones”. Now, as an adult I am addicted to personality assessments (my favorite being the Clifton Strengthsfinders assessment through Gallup) because they help me make sense of who I am and how to use those strengths to help the world! By creating a life where my strengths can flourish, I will be confident. Stick me in a math class, put me in a room with people I have to “win over” or ask me to do a puzzle upside down and almost instantly my confidence diminishes significantly - I will feel stupid, inept, and get depressed and start hating on myself (which allows all those lovely harboured thoughts I have about myself and my body to come bubbling up). Every time I feel “less than” I ask myself "How can you use your strengths in this moment?” and shift the experience to allow me to be resilient.

For example, my sister asked if I wanted to go to a networking event with her and she informed me it would be “totally casual, just some people getting together”, so I agreed despite hating networking events. Hearing the words “totally casual” I didn’t think I’d have to rush home and change my outfit because people wouldn’t care too much. We showed up to the event and EVERYONE WAS WEARING COCKTAIL DRESSES, TUXES, SUITS, etc. AND GUESS WHAT YOUR GIRL SHOWED UP IN?????? A FLIPPIN’ COTTON JUMPSUIT (THAT LOOKS LIKE PJS) WITH SOREL MOTHERFUCKING WINTER BOOTS. So, here I was, in an environment I was already prepared to be uncomfortable in, only now it was heightened 10000000%. But I promised. So, I dug deep into myself after all the negative thoughts came bubbling up and realized I had an opportunity. Anytime I walked up to someone, I introduced myself and then made a comment like “Oh, I see you didn’t get the memo about the dress code” and then gestured towards my lovely ensemble at which point the ice would be broken. I was able to use my ability to talk loudly and adapt to the situation to be relatable, funny, and ultimately myself. And the best part was, I was probably the most comfortable one in that room all night!

I CONSISTENTLY ASK MYSELF “WHAT WOULD A CONFIDENT PERSON DO?”

Anytime I get a little bit of fear or hesitation, I have now trained myself to ask the question: “What would a confident person do?” And the above example is perfect. Upon realizing that the environment I was entering was full of people who were put together, fancy, whatever, I realized I had 2 choices. I could go sit in the car and leave OR I could go eat some food and realize that people are too consumed with themselves to truly care about my boots. BUT, after my intro, I’d be hard to forget. But honestly, my sister even asked if I wanted to go and said “No, no, we are here.” but I know she would have accommodated me if I said “YES! LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!” I simply chose. When I was in grade 10 at volleyball camp, Team Canada had a match and then they offered kids to volunteer to go up and in that moment I remember thinking “I’m going to regret this if I don’t” and before I knew it, my hand was in the air. Again, I considered “What would a confident person do?” They would at least try. (I did get picked, fyi! And it was the highlight of my high school experience!) Now, as an adult, because of my constant monitoring I am able to see where I am hesitating and I can shut it down with a simple “What would a confident person do?” and then act accordingly. This is the same kinda thing like the What Would Jesus Do merch that I touted at bible camp - except less biblical I guess. Now, depending on what you want out of life, your question might be different: What would a body positive person do? What would a person who is good with money do? What would a boss do? etc.

I CONSISTENTLY CONSIDER WHO AND WHERE I SPEND MY TIME

I always say this, but what is going into your eyes and ears is important and most of this comes from where you spend your most time: online and with friends/family. Do you surround yourself with people that love to bitch, moan, complain, and cry that life isn’t fair? OR are you surrounding yourself with people that challenge you, support you, respect you, encourage you, and more importantly do all of those things for themselves? Jill always laughs when I say “I kinow, right?” when she says I look cute or did a good job at something and then she always points out that I am the only person she knows that is that positive about themselves. I used to want to be the hero, so I made sure I surrounded myself with people who needed me - this included jobs, relationships, friendships, even the lack of boundaries in my family allowed for this. Once I realized that being the hero wasn’t serving me and instead was distracting me from being the best version of myself, I started to curate who and where I spent most of my time and I do this consistently. When I am browsing instagram and get a twinge of jealousy, I stop, question it, then unfollow. It’s not helping - so it’s hindering and negative shit gets stored a lot faster than positive - so there is no NEED to consume what precious life I have with things that seek to tear me down. It’s important that I note that I gladly give my time to people, places, causes that I feel I can be beneficial, but I don’t invest my time somewhere just for the sake of participating in gossip, small minded thinking or bullshit. I just don’t have, nor want to make, the time for that.

By shifting my mental and emotional energy away from the draining and toxic thoughts fueled by the diet industry, to the positive and challenging thoughts/behaviors of self reflection, I have been able to give fewer and fewer fucks, embrace myself more authentically, and not let topical things get in the way of showing up in the world to help people. It’s more important to me to show up as love, light and positivity with confidence, than it is to stand in front of the mirror and put myself down out of insecurity. Someone asked me today what the difference between self esteem and confidence is and I mentioned that confidence is created by action. Without action, I don’t think you can experience confidence, whereas self esteem - the knowledge and conviction in yourself - creates the foundation for confidence to thrive. So, by having the self esteem to know that I am worth more, my life is worth more, and my gifts are worthy to the world, I am able to push myself to take action to show up in a way that might appear vulnerable or brave, but in reality, my friends, that is how I continue to experience confidence.

My Tum Is Worthy Of Touch ~ Body Image

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When I was in mexico I had a massage and during this massage I had an intriguing experience. I'm pretty sure my massage therapist was some sort of healer because I had a bunch of interesting insights and feels during the entire process. The one that affected me the most, however, was when she massaged my tum. I haven't had a tum massage before, but essentially it was just her rubbing her hands over my squishy belly. I don't know if it was the pent up emotions from @bodyimagebootcamp or something else, but as she touched my tum i started to cry. I realized, as her hands moved over my rolls and flesh that I hadn't let anyone touch my tum for a very long time (aside from myself). I thought how uncomfortable it was and my 1st instinct was to push her hands aside, but I gave in to it instead and let the tears move. I thought about how many times my husband would go to caress my chubby bits and I would force his hand away...particularly in the last 3 years since my body has gained a significant amount of weight. While I may have gotten comfortable with my OWN love for my tum, I guess I still didn't think anyone else could. This is how fatphobia works. We all have it. Even those of us that work hard to erase it, it still manifests in tiny ways that make us believe that "if only I was smaller, I would be more loveable." But that isn't true. My husband has been trying to love all of me, but I just pushed him away. So going forward, I'm more aware of my rejection motions and since coming home it has become homework for me to let him touch my squishy tum daily. It's uncomfortable right now, but just like how I became comfortable with myself touching my belly, I know this will become comfortable AND improve our physical touch relationship. So, thank you to the magical witch masseuse for helping heal this part of me 🥰 and fuck you to a society that taught me my squishy belly isn't worthy of touch.

A post shared by teri hofford (@terihofford) on Oct 22, 2019 at 4:35am PDT

How Do You Actually Feel?

Last night we had our online Body Image Bootcamp- Spring Session and the topic was the Dreaded F* Word - FAT. It’s a word that gets thrown around a lot from the time we are little and well into our adult years as if it something to fear, to be afraid, to be named after. But here’s the thing : it’s just a word.

One of my esteemed colleagues always says “words create worlds” which I think is a quote stolen from someone else, but in any case, it hammers home the point, so today I want to talk about breaking down our words to see just how much they contribute to either harming or helping our psyche and those around us!

We’ve all said “UGH. I FEEEEEL SO FAAAAAAT” and regardless of our ACTUAL size, we have all “felt” fat at one point or another. But here’s the thing, unless you are physically holding a chunk of fat in your hand, you aren’t REALLY feeling fat because SURPRISE - FAT ISN’T A FEELING. It isn’t an emotion. But we have been taught to use the word fat to sum up all the icky feelings we have about ourself. So, in my Body Image Bootcamp I have the attendees breakdown what are they ACTUALLY feeling and it’s no surprise that words we get are: lazy, bloated, tight clothes, lethargic, tired, heavy, uncomfortable, frumpy, not desireable, etc.

Why is this harmful? Well, if you go through your whole life thinking that FAT = lazy, bloated, tight clothes, lethargic, tired, heavy, uncomfortable, frumpy, not desireable, etc. then it’s no fucking wonder why we are so afraid of it! Furthermore, it continues to perpetuate the stereotype that fat bodies = lazy, bloated, tight clothes, lethargic, tired, heavy, uncomfortable, frumpy, not desireable, etc. when in fact most of the fat bodies I know are incredibly productive, bad ass, comfortable, confident, and desired (not that these are the things that make us worthy of respect - we are worthy of respect simply by existing, but you get the point.)

The other thing that happens, is that that word becomes your band-aid: “I feel fat. That’s all there is to it. I’m just going to sit and dwell in this feelings of pity and frustration.” BUT if you actually broke it down to understanding what you are ACTUALLY feeling, then you can take steps to actually correct it. Can’t fix it if you don’t know what IT is, right? So, let’s say if you break it down to “Oh, wait, I don’t actually feel fat, I feel bloated.” Then you can take a look at the contributing factors that brought you to being bloated and THEN you can take steps to correct that feeling of uncomfortablness (salt baths, drinking lots of water, moving your body, eating less inflammatory foods, etc)

Now, umbrella terms don’t just apply to the word FAT, but also to other words: crazy, ADD, OCD, bipolar, etc. We use these words to sum up how we are feeling, but in doing so it not only perpetuates shitty stereotypes, but also takes away from the seriousness of people with mental illness! So, it’s important anytime you hear yourself say “I FEEL BLABLABLA” give yourself a minute and say “how do I ACTUALLY feel?”