She Found Toxicity Addicting {Guest Post} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography

empowerment photography winnipeg

She Found Toxicity Addicting {Guest Post} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography

empowerment photography winnipeg
You know how when your expecting a phone call with some “news” but you’re really unsure whether it’ll be “good” or “bad”?
Well that’s exactly the kind of anxiety my stomach pitted into waiting for these photos…
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A quick tidbit – Teri and I have worked together for years and she’s ALWAYS made me beyond comfortable and ecstatic for the outcome. Being a part of her team gave me opportunities that I’d definitely shy away from without her previous support. I even began loving my birthday-suit over anything else I own, thanks to the #BoudyBabes!
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Anywhoo, back to before…
For over a year I’ve been struggling towards the path of a healthy mentality. My previous job wore me down to feeling absolutely worthless, I began putting my boss’ needs above my own: all while being belittled for my efforts, ridiculed for having a mental illness, and mocked at my “lack of weight gain” (just to name a few).
Even clients were starting to get super invasive and ask me things along the lines of “Oh my, you’re nothing! What does your doctor have to say??”
(Guess what? My employer would just shrug it off.)
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So, young Attieh who’s already going through major changes in her life, (I finally came out to my family and the world in October!) is starting to feel the pressures of “looking healthy”.

Apparently it’s shocking when a “feminized” woman likes other women, I’m not allowed to have long hair or !?
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I was already well-aware my body was changing and was working very hard with my doctors trying to pinpoint my overly-fast metabolism and low-energy levels. I was put on a regiment of high calorie intake every 2 hours just so I wouldn’t faint! (Forget working out, I had zero energy!)  With troubles in my relationships, everything just seemed to fall apart after I left the toxic work place. Isn’t it interesting how toxicity can be addictive? Because I sure felt my purpose in life dwindled completely after so much was taken away from me, and out of my control.
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I spent weeks lurking under my covers wondering if I’d ever feel confident again, as everyone looked at me as if I way laying on my death bed – I began to do the same. It’s hard to regain one’s self worth when your whole life you hear from one important figure,
“WHAT IS THIS?”, grabbing my hips, “YOUR BODY HANGS OUT OF YOUR PANTS!”
To that same person quoting,
“OH MY GOODNESS, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A SKELETON!”
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I couldn’t take the pain every time I looked in the mirror anymore, I feel as if though my aesthetics were the only way people offered help. I turned to social media to post sad things in hopes for guidance, and luckily for me; Teri got ahold of me.
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Like I said before, I was nervous as all hell to see these photos as it’s been over a year since I modeled, I have never been this thin in my life nor have I never not been able to recognize myself.
I was nervous I wasn’t going to like what I saw, I was nervous for the feeling of disappointment my heart would carry if I stared into my own reflection and heard voices in the back of my mind ask if I was “OK”.
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BUT then I got the Dropbox.

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With sweaty palms and about two hours of convincing myself “fuck everyone else” over and over, I dove into the album.
And ladies;
It Was Glorious.
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That’s probably the first time I’ve taken pictures at this stage in my life (yes even selfies) and didn’t feel absolutely horrified to look at them! I even got a laugh out of a certain shot, because I’m so focused on my diameters I never even noticed the small beauty mark resting slightly above my knuckle on my middle finger. It’s like my SKIN is even saying “fuck everyone else”!
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As a model it’s my job to work with the team to create their masterpiece, and you can lose yourself (or your aesthetic) in those moments but I find it rewarding to make the vision a reality.
Sometimes it’s crazy seeing yourself and being unrecognizable to your own reflection; but you end up learning new things to appreciate about your ever changing body, and it’s great to have this shoot and Teri to continue to burn that into our brains.
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I hope others are just as willing to see me as “Attieh who’s a wee bit thin right now” and not “Attieh is running to the bathroom to void the lunch she just ate”.
If you haven’t already, link up with Teri. Even a few hours of her time can reopen your eyes.
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If you are interested in telling your story through powerful imagery and an empowering experience, send me an email!

 

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